Sunday, June 16, 2013

The 'Crazy Aussie' tracks his training and puts it to us .............as it is!

Oh my poor aching butt by Day 3
Ive hit the pause button on todays Frank Liebenberg (as taught to him by Josh) Russion Training Workout...which is 100km on an indoor trainer. This pause isnt because I have gone soft, but rather to undertake the somewhat complicated instructions for the second 50 kms which involve putting broken glass in chamois cream and applying liberally, putting electrodes on my gentleman bits to make them go number than the saddle already is and refill my bottles. This is all strengthening me mentally for the second half of every day of the Transkaroo Mtbtour (I am told).

Ive run out of Chamois cream and have started to really enjoy the electrodes, so no more of this sissy Russian training. Think I shall ask Paul Cordes and Kevin Evans for some real "toughen up" tips. They survived the MTN Team training protocols, so they have no sympathy for anyone on a bike now.

Many years ago I spent a decade and a (not inconsiderable) chunk of cash trying to get South African riders interested in Cross Country (now called OXC) racing, all to no avail. This is short, brutal, technical and fantastic fun, and undoubtedly the jewel in the crown of MTBing. It remains the only MTBing that has made it into the Olympic Games, and it basically kicked the front door down to do it only a few years after it was invented as a form of sport at all.
There was a time when there were more Marathon MTB races in SA in a single year than in the rest of the world combined and multiplied by 6. The races were basically 80 kms long and involved hellish climbs on dirt roads for half the race followed by warp speed descents on dirt roads for the second half.
I could just never see the attraction in that sort of racing, but eventually the rest of the world decided it was a bit of fun, made the distance closer to 140kms and put in some single track here and there. I remember Kevin Evans formally requesting the distances be increased in SA so he would be competitive internationally, and Ultra was born in SA.
It is therefore ironic, that I am now attempting to ride from Middleberg to PE with the Transkaroo Mtbtour. BTW there are still 2 spots open for a fully supported 5 day tour at R3600.
I am one of those idiots that thinks that any ride with more than one bike is a formal race, and even riding alone tend to watch my numbers and do better than last time I did the same route. I suspect that days one and two of this tour will beat that out of me. After that I will be able to settle back and try to use this as a launch platform.
If you are one of the riders of the Trans Karoo and find me half wheeling you, please just remind me that it isn’t a race. If you are fat, or old, or have so much metal in your body that you have to carry x-rays with you on international flights (like me) try to remember that this tour could be the first day of the rest of a new life if you ride it within your limits. If you ride it even 1kph outside those limits it will break you down. If you are clever it will make you stronger and leaner.
I have had to make peace with the fact that I will never have another race number on my bike after having two metal hips inserted and a section of my gut cut out in the last couple of years. I am taking strain training to survive the long days in the saddle. I am no less fat, but somewhat stronger.
The Trans Karoo is for me a launch, not an end in itself. I have a fantasy that it may even lead me to strap on a race number again. I also have a fantasy that Meg Ryan may call me up and want to go out for a drink (I already have the best girl in the world but you cant blame me for dreaming about having 2). The one thing that is certain is that I will ride every km under my own power; I will not complain (much); I will not race it; I will finish strong and lean.
I will be changed when we are done, and I will NEVER be weak again.

Having made peace with the idea of "trimming up" ON the Transkaroo Mtbtourrather than before it, it raises the question of vanity versus bonking. Vanity says that in order to not look like a string of pork sausages keep away from lycra. However baggies catch wind like a parachute and slow you down so that even downhills feel like up hills. The jury is still out. But I will make sure that my chamois is worth the same as your car in dollar value whatever way I go. Remember, bibs not shorts!!!!

I am living in abject terror of riding halfway across South Africa with the Trans Karoo MTBtour. Hence I am spending most of my waking hours sitting on a trainer (theres snow outside) and the remainder in a coma recovering...but there is also laying under my godforsaken Landy in sleet that needs to be factored in and cumulatively, this has used up all my happy thoughts. Sorry Im a bit MIA at the minute but (one way or another) it will all be over soon as there are only (terrifyingly) 15 more days to prepare for the onslaught. I REFUSE to die!

Given the snow has melted from my mountains, I thought I might pass on the bicycle seat enema of the CompuTrainer today and see if I can still ride a real bike, a real mountain bike at that.

Ive heard an evil rumour that Mark Thijs is rolling up on the Transkaroo Mtbtour. This is really bad news for the youngsters (anyone younger than 55) with all the fizzy hormones who are thinking they are gunna play. Mark is an Master TT Champion who will delight in slowly breaking all his playmates. Its actually spectator sport! Shame I'll be too far off the back to watch, but am sure will see the wreckage each night — feeling excited.

For any participants in the Transkaroo Mtbtour who are considering riding without tubeless wheels and tyres, I strongly recommend being declared legally incompetent quite soon so that your new legal guardian can fit tubeless to your bike and sell your model T Ford before the start of the adventure. Whilst tubeless wont exempt your from thorn punctures, it is possible (hopeful) that the only way you will know you have punctured is the spray of latex that speckles you eyewear. Use only Stans or Joes. Put in double quantities. Choose robust rather than light tyres. Avoid anything growing across the trail with cute little yellow flowers.

Im really looking forward to seeing some good friends on the Transkaroo Mtbtournext week. I am also terrified of riding that far. A first for me. I have spent many miserable hours lately on a Computrainer riding the Alien Crop Circle 28.77 with a 12/21 flatblock cassette on the back. Mark Thijs is probably one of the few (Paul Cordes and Yolande Speedy may be a couple more) who would understand the misery this represents. Its also too little too late. — feeling excited.

I have always thought that Billy Teeton was one of those blokes that just didn't have a bad bone in his body. Many hours sitting on a Computrainer (ask Beatrice Hoganwhat that is if you don't know) leads one to think a lot. Billy has reinvented (probably unwittingly) a harsh and cruel professional training method (usually reserved for ball sport teams on LSD conditioning runs) called "sheep dogging". This means that no matter how fast you are you will spend as long in the saddle as the slowest rider, but cover more distance. It does mean I am forced to consider and bend sinister in Billy's make up! Cameron Dewaal's dad Bertus and I would like to apologize in advance because it is us that all the Transkaroo Mtbtour snakes will be waiting for, as we have a pact that even if we have to walk the whole way we will not get in the evil sweep vehicle and surrender our bikes!!!

Another word of warning for Cameron Dewaal and Gus Teeton. Make it your business to identify Mark Thijs on day one. I will predict that if either of you attempt to hold his wheel on days 3, 4, and 5 that it will be you two little pups dragging yourself on your bellies to crawl the last 5 kms of the Transkaroo Mtbtour










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